Healing chapter 2

The walk to Asami's room felt like a trip down death row. How had things gotten so out of control? How had he let things get so out of control? Mako hated failure. Despised it. Despised himself when he failed. He could usually see when he was about to do something wrong or stupid and correct the issue before it became a problem; he prided himself on that. He had always kept his existence so tightly controlled for a reason: if he was in control, he wouldn't fail. Failure led to people getting hurt. He'd been too young to help his parents, he knew that, but their deaths had always felt like his biggest failure in life. Until now.
What he had done to Asami and had been doing to Korra for so long…that was by far his biggest screw up yet. He'd hurt them both. Was still hurting them. He'd picked Asami. Beautiful, vivacious Asami. He'd convinced himself that she was what he wanted. She was feminine, outrageously gorgeous in a very obvious way and she could handle herself when she needed too. He'd let himself be swept up in her beauty and her generosity when she'd helped the Fire Ferrets. Helped his team. Helped him. He'd been so grateful and she was so beautiful and clearly interested in him. Mako the orphan turned pro-bender who had spent most of his young life on the streets. It had seemed like some weird dream. This rich, beautiful girl who was so eager to help him achieve his dreams of a better life for himself and his brother, Bolin. He was grateful. But he had realized now that his relationship with her had been founded on him feeling like he owed her so much for doing everything she had. Like she had given him a chance so he should do the same. But that wasn't right. Relationships weren't supposed to be about how much you owed each other. He had few memories of his parents, young as he was when they'd died, but he remembered their relationship having a spark to it. There was no take, no keeping score. Only love and passion and partnership. Asami was beautiful, she was brilliant and he had tried hard to love her. But she wasn't what he needed. He understood now that even if there hadn't been someone else drawing him away from Asami, eventually he would have drifted off on his own. He needed passion. He needed fire. She was sweet and gentle and yielded to him. She never pushed him, never wanted him to be better. She wasn't stubborn and challenging and maddening. She was brilliant but…she wasn't amazing. She wasn't Korra.
Brave, head-strong Korra who drove him crazy. He'd rejected her for reasons he could barely remember anymore. Korra, who was so strong and independent and had knocked his carefully controlled world on its arse with her stubborn attitude and free spirit. She had consumed him, inspired him and in return he'd made her watch him try and be happy with Asami. And then he'd nearly ruined his friendship with her when she was doing the right thing. Doing her job. Because he was trying to be a good boyfriend. He'd disregarded her concern, taken it for jealousy and thrown it in her face. And still she had forgiven him, given him a home and told him to do what he needed to because Asami had needed him then. Never once letting on that she might need him too. That she was scared and felt like she was failing them all. That watching him be with someone else was breaking her. And now that he'd finally realized what an idiot he was being, things might never work out for them because he'd caused so much damage. He didn't deserve her forgiveness. Her love. He knew that. He'd made a mess of it all and now it might all be too little, too late.
When he finally found himself in front of Asami's room Mako knew this would not end well. There would be no easy solution. No easy out. He was going to hurt her, because it was the right thing to do. He'd made his bed and now would have to lie in it. Taking a deep, steadying breath, he stepped up to her door and knocked. There was no response, but he hadn't really expected one. Sighing, the dread in the pit of his stomach stirring restlessly, he slid the door aside and stepped into the little room. She was still there at least, lying on her bed with her back to the door. Some small part of him had been afraid she'd run. But there was nowhere else she could be. Nowhere she could run to. Remembering that now brought on a wave of fresh guilt that he had to fight back down.
"Asami…" He heard his own hesitant voice and hated it. Hated himself for all of this. "We need to talk."

LoK_LoK_LoK

Things were oddly quiet after all the excitement. After all the talking and crying it seemed strange for there to be no one else coming into her room with something to say. It was peaceful. She wasn't sure she could handle any more heartfelt confessions or inspirational pep talks. Letting everything out had been freeing and she was grateful to Tenzin for helping her let go of all those pent up emotions, but she needed to be alone now. Needed to breathe. Needed to think. She didn't feel quite so groggy now that she'd been awake for a while and her mind felt surprisingly clear. Like some part of her had opened when she'd let go of her guilt and was flowing more freely now. It was liberating. She felt somehow like something inside of her had shifted into place. She had been wrapped up in so much guilt before now. Guilt she knew came from her failure to protect the people she loved. It was her duty as the Avatar to protect the balance of the world but it was slipping into chaos before her eyes. Her failure to correct all that was wrong with the world had been burdening her with so much guilt that she had felt like she was drowning in it. But Tenzin had helped her let it all flow away and now, finally, she felt like herself again. She felt fluid somehow. More at ease with her emotions. It was a difficult concept to grasp but she felt like she'd experienced something similar before. When she had let go of her fears on Aang Memorial Island she had felt oddly grounded afterwards. More stable.
With a calm, easy breath Korra sat up and slipped to the floor beside her bed folding her legs into that well practiced position that had frustrated her so much not long ago. She had never truly understood why airbenders felt the need to sit around quietly for hours on end and think. It had felt like a pointless waste of time to someone who was always so busy and forceful. But sitting in that box, trapped with nothing but time, she had come to realize the importance of reflection. Had come to appreciate the calming, clarifying effects of meditation. She needed that clarity now. There was a lot she needed to do. Decisions that needed to be made.
With a deep breath, she let herself sink into that sweet quiet place where her mind was at ease and her spirit was free. She could simply exist here; let all her troubles flow away. The peace of being able to simply breathe and be...she wondered idly how she could ever have tried to deny herself something so soothing before. She had always been resilient. Stubborn. When something blocked her path she forced her way through. That attitude had gotten her into trouble more often than she cared to admit. It was time for change. It was time to learn when not to fight. She could bend and she could flow. She could learn to think like an airbender.
When she opened her eyes again there were tears there, but she was smiling contently. She carefully dried her eyes and stood shakily to her feet. Her body ached everywhere and fatigue was dragging at her, but she didn't want to sleep. She had slept enough. So, as quietly as she could, Korra slid her window open and carefully slipped out of it, the White Lotus guards stationed at her door blissfully unaware of her escape.

LoK_LoK_LoK

For a moment he thought she might be sleeping, despite the sunlight streaming in through her window. She hadn't reacted to his knocking on her door and it seemed like she wasn't going to react to this either. But then she sat up, looking up at him with hard eyes and the moment he had been dreading had arrived.
"So let's talk, Mako." She had crossed her legs and her arms were folded, every inch of her defiant. Angry. He sighed and stepped forward, his arms open in a placating way.
"Look, I'm sorry, ok? Last night we were both tense and emotions were high. We said stuff we didn't mean." They had said things they had meant too but he would get to that. "I know you don't really blame her for all of this. I know you that well at least. And I'm sorry I snapped at you." She eyed him for a moment and her frown deepened.
"You're sorry for snapping, but you're not sorry I was right." She wasn't asking. Letting out a frustrated huff, Mako pinched the bridge of his nose and turned away from her.
"No, I'm not sorry for that," he admitted. When he looked at her again there were angry tears in her eyes.
"So I was right. You do love her. You've always loved her…this whole time." The betrayal in her tone tugged at his heart but he steeled himself. This needed to be done.
"Yes, I do." He wondered why he wasn't more surprised. Had he always known he loved her? Or had Korra simply taken over him so subtly and so sneakily that he truly hadn't noticed until there was no hope for him to ever turn back. His heart clenched in his chest when he looked down at Asami and her hurt, betrayed eyes. "You know why I'm here," he said as gently as he could. Her sudden half-muffled sob startled him.
"Please…please, Mako. Don't do this." Her pain was so raw and the flare of guilt threatened to overwhelm him, but he couldn't turn back now. Not now that he knew where he needed to be.
"I'm sorry, Asami. But this isn't right. You must see that. You and me…we aren't right." She shook her head desperately and launched herself at him. Before he could so much as blink she was kissing him. Pressing her entire body flush to his and kissing him with all the desperation she felt at his leaving her. Clutching at him like a lifeline. He shut his eyes tight and carefully pushed her back.
"Please," she whimpered. "I need you…" He sighed sadly and shook his head.
"No, Asami. We can't. I can't. I'm not what you need. Please, I need you to try and understand, because I don't want things to be sour between us. I care about you a lot, but I love her and she needs me. She needs all of us. And I can't lie to myself anymore. It isn't fair to any of us. I need to end this now, before things get worse." She pulled away from him and hugged her arms around herself, tears streaming down her cheeks. Her shoulders were shaking with barely restrained sobs and Mako had never hated himself more. "I'm so sorry," he said sadly. She spun away from him and bowed her head.
"Get out." He winced at the venom in her voice and reached out a hand towards her. He didn't want things to end like this. With her hating him. Hating them. His fingers grazed her arm but she pulled away from him sharply. "Get out!" She turned and shoved him as hard as she could. He stumbled back in surprise, his shoulder banging into the wooden panel door behind him. She had turned away again and she was sobbing bitterly. Mako watched her for a moment, wide eyed, before sighing in defeat. He backed out of the room and slid the door closed behind him. The moment it clicked into place her heard her sobs grow a little louder and he grimaced. He had done what needed to be done and now he would give her space. He hoped that she would forgive him someday but for now he needed to focus on someone else he had wronged. It was time to fix what he had broken. But first he needed to find his brother. Before he could go to Korra he needed to clear his head and Bolin was the best person to go to for that.
The men's dormitories were on the other side of the island and he took a slow walk there. He knew Bolin would still be sleeping. So much had already happened today; it felt wrong for it to still be so early. The walk helped clear up his emotions a little and he was surprised to find he actually felt relieved. He stamped out the guilt that brought on and decided to stop by the kitchen to grab some breakfast. Bolin was usually more inclined to waking up when there was food involved. When he walked into the room he found Pema stirring a big bowl of porridge, adding honey, milk and butter as she worked. It smelt delicious and his stomach rumbled audibly. Pema turned at the sound and chuckled.
"You're a little early, dear. Breakfast won't be ready for a while yet." He smiled and tucked his hands into his pockets.
"That's ok, I was just looking for something to coax Bolin out of bed with. Would you mind if I stole some toast?" Pema smiled at him good naturedly and motioned to the big loaf of fresh bread on the counter by the window.
"Of course you can. Help yourself." Mako thanked her and moved to accept the big bread knife she offered him. They worked in comfortable silence, Pema stirring her big bowl of porridge and Mako carefully slicing the bread into neat, even slices. She would speak every now and then. Ask how Korra was feeling. Ask how he/ was feeling. But for the most part they simply enjoyed the warm silence of the early morning. He liked Pema. She reminded him a little of his own mother. Standing here in the kitchen and helping her with breakfast brought back memories he thought were long forgotten. It was like a breath of fresh, healing air. By the time he had finished slicing up the entire loaf he felt like some old wound had been cauterized in his soul. He felt at peace in this place. Like he was home. Like he had a family again. The thought made everything else he'd had to do today feel a little less awful. When he was done he thanked Pema again and snagged a few of the bread slices he'd cut up, toasting them with a little fire as he walked. He chuckled when Pema told him to be careful and promised her he wouldn't burn the house down as he slipped away.
When he walked into his brother's room Bolin was sprawled out on his bed, legs and arms splayed all over the place. Smirking at his brother he gave his foot a swift kick and then waved a slice of the crispy, steaming toast in front of his nose.
"Bo, wake up. I need to talk to you." Bolin groaned and sniffed at the air, rolling over like a giant rag doll, his entire body shifting towards the smell of the food. He smacked his lips sleepily and a goofy grin spread across his face. He peeked open an eye and when he saw what Mako was offering he snapped upright, snagging a slice and taking a huge bite while he stretched and moaned, all in one ungainly movement.
"What a wonderful way to wake up in the morning," he sighed, finishing off the rest of the slice in a single bite and grabbing another. He eyed his brother, who was nibbling on his own slice and flopped forward, resting his elbows on his knees. "What's up, bro? Korra ok?" Mako smiled and nodded.
"She's fine. Tired and beaten up pretty bad but she'll be ok. She was talking to Tenzin about what happened when I left." Bolin nodded and sat back in that casual way of his.
"Mmmh, uh huh. Didn't I say she would be ok? I was right, see? You should listen to me more often." He put on an overly sagacious tone and stroked his face as if he were some wise old man. Mako chuckled and shook his head. Bolin was such an upbeat guy. Mako sometimes wondered how he always saw the bright side to things when they had grown up the way they had. He had spent his entire life trying to protect his brother but he also understood that Bolin had been protecting Mako from himself. Growing up on the streets and keeping each other safe had forged a close bond between them. Bolin knew Mako well. So well that even now, when Mako seemed content, he could pick up that something was bothering his older brother. He punched him playfully on the arm and snatched up the last slice of toast.
"Something eating you?" He asked casually. He knew better than to push. Mako glanced out the window for a second before he sighed and shrugged.
"I broke up with Asami." Bolin simply nodded and it confused Mako a little. He wasn't sure what he had expected. Shock maybe? Certainly not casual acceptance.
"That sucks, man. How'd she take it?" Mako gave him a look and Bolin chuckled. "That bad?"
"You seem shockingly calm about this," Mako said, a little unintended edge to his voice. But Bolin just laughed at him and slugged a playful arm over his older brother's shoulder.
"Oh c'mon, Mako. It's not like we didn't all see this coming. You and Korra man, it's like a done deal. You guys aren't exactly subtle people, y'know?" He chuckled and gave his brother a shove. "This thing between you and Asami sucks coz it's all messed up and stuff, but you and Korra? That just makes sense in a warped kinda way." Mako stared at his younger brother in shock and he couldn't help the laugh that bubbled up his throat.
"You're ok with it? With me and Korra?" He had been worried that Bolin might take it badly. That he might still be harbouring a little crush on her. But Bolin laughed and waved his arms dismissively.
"I told you man, I'm over it. Korra's great but she doesn't look at me like that." He gave his brother a lecherous grin and poked his chest. "And we've all seen how you two look at each other." He waggled his eyebrows at Mako and his older brother blushed bright red. Had it really been that obvious?
"So wait," Bolin said, looking at his brother seriously now. "Have you and Korra actually talked about all of this? You guys are like 'official' and stuff now?" Mako hesitated then and swallowed nervously.
"No," he admitted sheepishly. "I'm heading back to her next. We have a lot to talk about." Bolin nodded at this and folded his arms.
"Yeah, you kind of made a mess there, bro. You got a plan?" Mako thought about it and then shrugged.
"Not really. But I'm hoping she gives me forever to come up with one."

LoK_LoK_LoK

When he didn't find her in her room Mako knew a moment of panic. The guards hadn't said anything about her leaving when he'd walked into the room, so where on earth was she? His breath hitched in his throat at the thought that she'd been taken again, but he forced himself to calm down. The room looked exactly as he'd left it. There were no signs of a struggle and he was sure that if there had been one, the guards would have heard anyway. He took a deep breath to calm his racing heart and looked around the room again. When his eyes fell on the open window he felt his entire body relax. She had obviously just slipped away, wanting to have a little time alone, without people watching her every move like she might break. He imagined she had a lot on her mind and when Korra wanted to let off steam she trained. Deciding to follow her example, Mako leapt easily out of the window and moved towards the training grounds.
He found her at the spinning gates. She was moving through them with a grace he never would have associated with her before. She spun and twisted and moved with the gates like she was one with the wind, perfectly calm and at ease. In and out, she weaved her way around the course, bending, twisting and flowing where the gates led her. It was like some surreal dance. He'd never seen anything more beautiful. He could have watched her practice forever but the gates started to slow down and then she was spinning lightly out of the course. She landed gently just outside of the gates and, with an easy twirling movement, thrust her palm forward to blast a stream of air into the gates to send them spinning once more. He felt pride well up in his chest as he watched her laugh happily and twirl in place, triumphantly pumping her fist in the air. She had finally overcome her block. She had finally learned to airbend. She took a step forward to move back into the gates and then froze where she stood, her entire body tense. She grimaced and doubled over in pain, one hand grasping her side while she used the other to steady herself on her knee. Mako was beside her without ever realizing he'd moved.  
"Mako?" She hadn't noticed him there before, too immersed in the course to pay attention. She hadn't even noticed how much the movements had hurt until she had stopped.
"Easy," he said gently, slipping his arm around her waist to steady her. "C'mon, you should sit down." She let him lead her to the rocks near the trees and sat down with him, hissing in pain when her body fought against the action. The cuts and bruises were no big deal, but she'd messed up her leg when she'd tripped over that root and her back and ribs ached from that impact with the tree. They were burning now. She didn't even want to think about all the damage Tarrlok's prolonged blood bending had done. That alone was going to be worth weeks of healing sessions. Maybe she had over done it. She'd just felt so at peace moving through the maze that she had lost track of time. He shifted closer to her and looked her over uneasily. "Are you ok?" Worried again. She could see it in his eyes and she sighed.
"I'm fine. Just a little stiff and sore. Are you gonna tell me to stop being an idiot and go back to bed?" He chuckled at her and shook his head.
"I want to, but nah, you wouldn't listen. You never do," they smiled at each other in understanding and she leaned back comfortably. "I do wish you wouldn't push yourself so hard though. You were hurt pretty bad," he added after a moment and she tilted her head towards him.
"I know. But something clicked this morning and I just had to come out and try. And it worked! I'm finally an airbender!" She held out her hand and a little ball of swirling air gathered in her palm. They both watched it spin for a moment before she closed her hand into a fist, the little ball of air dissipating with a puff. It wasn't the most phenomenal feat of airbending he'd ever seen but it was a huge leap for her and it lit up her entire being. Her joy and excitement were contagious and he grinned at her.
"I knew you'd do it eventually. Bolin was right after all, you're a natural." He thought back to the way she had moved through the course and his smile softened. "What you were doing in there…it was incredible. I've never seen anyone move like that." That brought a flush to her cheeks and she glanced away, suddenly shy.
"How long were you watching?" That coy tone and the pretty flush on her cheeks did funny things to his heart and he grinned lazily.
"Long enough to know you're incredible." Her blush deepened at this and they sat in silence for a minute, neither sure how to address the elephant-pig in the room. He was curious though. She had been having so much trouble with airbending until now. He set aside his nerves for a moment and turned to look at her more directly. "Do you mind if I ask what changed? Was it...was it something that happened when that creep took you?" He half expected her to close up and tell him it was just the training finally kicking in. But she never set her shoulders in that way he knew she would when she was bottling things up.
"In a way, yeah. When Tarrlok took me he locked me in a metal box so I couldn't escape. He left me in the basement of this tiny little hut up in the mountains." She frowned at the memory and shuddered a little. "I've never learned how to metalbend so I was pretty much stuck in there." She rubbed at her shoulder and smirked lightly. "I banged myself up trying to break out of that thing. Y'know, beat my way out." He smiled because he did know. That was Korra after all. If something didn't want to budge she made it budge. "But I realized I was just wasting energy so I decided to try and contact Aang instead. He'd been sending me all these weird visions and I could never make sense of them before then. Tenzin told me I should meditate on them to see if it would help me contact Aang and he was right. When I was trapped in there I guess I learnt a little about what it means to think like an airbender." She looked up at the gate course and smiled. "Airbending is all about freedom. You have to be able to adapt and go where the situation takes you. As soon as I let go of trying to force my way out of that box and let my mind go where it needed to be, it just…happened. Everything Tenzin's been teaching me sort of sank in." He grinned at her and flicked her hair with casual fingers.
"You're not gonna go full airbending monk and shave half your head are you?" He liked seeing her with her hair down. When she'd been dancing through the course it had flowed with her like a dark, mahogany halo. She snorted at him and rolled her eyes.
"Not on your life." She smirked then and eyed him mischievously. "Although the tattoos might be an idea. I heard they glow when you go into the Avatar state. That could look pretty badass." He tried to imagine her with big blue arrows all over her body and grimaced, which made her laugh. "Relax city boy, I'm not about to turn into some wise old guru. I'm still me just…me with awesome airbending skills." He watched her seriously for a moment, drinking in her presence. She was intoxicating. Her smile lit her up and fueled something in him. Without really thinking about it Mako reached out and threaded his fingers through her hair. She inhaled sharply at the sudden tender gesture and he smiled when she leaned into him slightly. His fingers found their way to her neck and he tugged lightly, drawing her in.
"Mako…I-" He cut her off, pressing his lips to hers in a feather light kiss. The world shifted around them and, for the first time, Mako knew perfection. The kiss was short, sweet and he wished it had been their first. There was something so tender in the way her hands pressed against his chest and he felt his own arms slip around her and pull her close. But then her hands really were pressing back against him and she was gently pushing him away. When they broke apart they were still only inches from each other and her breath danced across his face in a light flutter. He glanced up at her, half-dazed and the small, pained frown on her face confused him.
"We can't," she whispered and the words tasted like vinegar in her mouth after a kiss so sweet. "We can't do this." Her fingers had tangled themselves up in his scarf and she gripped it tight, tilting her head up slightly so she could look him in the eye. He looked devastated and her heart clenched painfully.
"But…I thought that…" He wasn't sure what to say. He'd thought she wanted this too. Hadn't she just been kissing him back? Hadn't she felt that blissful rightness when their lips had met and everything had suddenly been right in the world? He watched a tear slide down her cheek and when she looked up at him with a sad little smile, he could see she had. She did want this. She wanted him.
"I'm not saying never," she said in a sort of half-whisper, her voice a little hoarse with emotion. "Just…not right now. Things are still messy right now and we're hurting Asami enough as it is." He grimaced at that and knew it was true. After all, she knew exactly what it was like to watch the person you loved be with someone else. "Not to mention this thing with Amon. We're practically at war. As much as I want to just forget everything else…I can't pretend that this would be right. Not now. We should give it a little time." Her eyes softened when he sighed, knowing she was right. "I've waited this long," she said gently. "We can wait a little more." He pulled her close and held her to his chest, burying his face in her hair and breathing her in.
"We can wait," he agreed sadly. "Just a little more." Because she was right and, as much as it hurt, he knew it. Her smile was sad and resigned. She leaned up again and pressed her lips lightly to his in one last chaste kiss. It was heartbreaking and filled with promise and anticipation. It made her ache all over again but she needed one last moment of self-indulgence before they put aside their feelings in respect of the people around them.
"You'll tell me, right?" He asked when they pulled apart again, his eyes pleading and she knew exactly what he was asking.
"I think we'll just know."